After a long night of margaritas, a flat tire in the ghetto, 3 women standing around wondering how to work the jack, one very hot cop, spike strips, Max the drug sniffing dog, two more cops and one very helpful Gengenbacher, I was really looking forward to my day at the spa. The idea of 20 minutes in a hydrotherapy bath, followed by an hour long massage and a pedicure was on par with multiple orgasms.
Going to the spa for the first time is kind of like going to your first gyno appointment. You make sure you have everything shaved, cleaned, and manicured. But, like the gyno, you quickly get over it and after your second or third time there, you are lucky if you put underwear on. I've been to InSPArations a few times and at least remembered to brush my teeth this morning.
I changed into my bikini, put on my robe and headed to the hydrotherapy room. After lowering myself into water I was pretty sure would burn off the leg hairs I decided not to shave, I settled into the crevices of the tub and let Amanda start the jets.
The jets start at the bottom and work their way up in a slow, meticulous motion. Thirty seconds into this I knew this wasn't going to be a grand experience. The jets beat down on the bottoms of my feet first, causing me to jerk them back, giggle uncontrollably and hit my shins on the bar that were suppose to be keeping my legs under water. The jets then moved upward to my calves, my hips, my back and my neck. After about 5 minutes I started getting really hot and was counting down until this was over. Looking back, I am pretty sure the warmth came from the high amounts of tequila being purged from my system.
I lifted my arms out of the tub and reached for my ice water and drank it in one big gulp leaving only ice in the glass. Then a bright idea hit me! I fished out a piece of ice and held it in my hand to cool down my skin and then ran my hands over my face. This worked for about 10 seconds before I just gave up and just ran the ice directly over my face.
PLOP!
There goes my ice straight into the tub. Immediately I was worried I would be thrown out and onto the street for letting such a tragic thing happen. There had to be rules about this kind of thing! Luckily nobody was paying attention and another piece of ice was fished out of the glass. At least now I understand why they don't let you have sliced oranges in your water while in the tub.
I passed the rest of the time thinking about penis'.
Finally, 20 minutes were up and I was allowed out of the boiling pot. I glanced in the mirror and my face was so red I looked like I had just had battery acid thrown on me. A few minutes of cooldown and it was onto the massage table.
I was only on the table for 5 minutes when I realized I was so relaxed, I would have agreed to anything at that point.
CIA: "Mrs. Vogel - tomorrow we will be dropping you in Afghanistan wearing only a paper bikini and carrying only a nail file. You will be responsible for finding and killing Osama Bin Ladin."
Me: "Why didn't we leave yesterday?"
Going to the spa for the first time is kind of like going to your first gyno appointment. You make sure you have everything shaved, cleaned, and manicured. But, like the gyno, you quickly get over it and after your second or third time there, you are lucky if you put underwear on. I've been to InSPArations a few times and at least remembered to brush my teeth this morning.
I changed into my bikini, put on my robe and headed to the hydrotherapy room. After lowering myself into water I was pretty sure would burn off the leg hairs I decided not to shave, I settled into the crevices of the tub and let Amanda start the jets.
The jets start at the bottom and work their way up in a slow, meticulous motion. Thirty seconds into this I knew this wasn't going to be a grand experience. The jets beat down on the bottoms of my feet first, causing me to jerk them back, giggle uncontrollably and hit my shins on the bar that were suppose to be keeping my legs under water. The jets then moved upward to my calves, my hips, my back and my neck. After about 5 minutes I started getting really hot and was counting down until this was over. Looking back, I am pretty sure the warmth came from the high amounts of tequila being purged from my system.
I lifted my arms out of the tub and reached for my ice water and drank it in one big gulp leaving only ice in the glass. Then a bright idea hit me! I fished out a piece of ice and held it in my hand to cool down my skin and then ran my hands over my face. This worked for about 10 seconds before I just gave up and just ran the ice directly over my face.
PLOP!
There goes my ice straight into the tub. Immediately I was worried I would be thrown out and onto the street for letting such a tragic thing happen. There had to be rules about this kind of thing! Luckily nobody was paying attention and another piece of ice was fished out of the glass. At least now I understand why they don't let you have sliced oranges in your water while in the tub.
I passed the rest of the time thinking about penis'.
Finally, 20 minutes were up and I was allowed out of the boiling pot. I glanced in the mirror and my face was so red I looked like I had just had battery acid thrown on me. A few minutes of cooldown and it was onto the massage table.
I was only on the table for 5 minutes when I realized I was so relaxed, I would have agreed to anything at that point.
CIA: "Mrs. Vogel - tomorrow we will be dropping you in Afghanistan wearing only a paper bikini and carrying only a nail file. You will be responsible for finding and killing Osama Bin Ladin."
Me: "Why didn't we leave yesterday?"
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